Friday, July 09, 2004

A Metaphor a Day

I wish I had written down the impetus for the metaphor but I didn't. Alex being gone is what I'm referring to. When I got divorced and the kids went stateside while I was in Europe, I wrote a story that described a man cutting a hole in his midsection on the left side of his torso with a steak knife and then hollowing out the area as a way to describe what it feels like to have your kids taken away. Strange that I would think that and then Alex would tell me one day that love comes from your liver. I always thought it was from the heart but what she says makes sense given where I felt the loss the most.

And now Alex is gone. Temporarily though, only four months. The pain isn't the same. It's strange, like a joyous melancholy and I'm not saying that simply for the ironical pleasure of it. It's truly a glorious sadness. And here's why:

I know she's coming back. I know she's out there thinking of me and longing for the same day I am, when we see each other again. In that sense, the loss I feel only makes me more aware of how special out bond is.

Thinking of this yesterday I found myself thinking that the loss isn't like having the sun set. It's simply that she's been eclipsed. There is an empty space where she used to be, but the space only blocks out direct access to her warmth. At the edges of that space, at the edges of my awareness, I know she's there. I can see pieces of her at home. Long strands of hair on the pillows. Feminine shoes with graceful curves at different places in the house. It is exactly like the view of the sun when the moon covers the center perfectly and leaves only the blinding corona that will blind you if you stare long enough.

If I think about that empty space long enough, I want to sleep.

So instead I don't dwell on her empty space. I think about the time that seems so far off when the moon will leave its place in the sky and let her light shine on me again. I think about her warmth. And still I miss her.

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